Dispelling Autism Myths: My Autistic Quest for the Romantic Holy Grail

“The power of love is a curious thing. Make a one man weep, make another man sing.” – The Power of Love, Back to the Future

“And can you feel the love tonight? How it’s laid to rest? It’s enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best.” – Can You Feel the Love Tonight, The Lion King

The Holy Grail, the eucharistic cup of Christ that Arthur and his knights scoured the countryside in search of. By extension, the “Holy Grail” could refer to any object or endeavor that is difficult to obtain. Even the pursuit of romantic love. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d dispel a common myth about people on the autism spectrum: that we neither seek nor want romantic relationships or human companionship in general.

While this may be true for some individuals on the spectrum, the same could be said for other people as well. After all, those of us on the spectrum are just as diverse as anybody else. From my high school days to the present, I’ve known plenty of autistic folks who found romantic love. Each person on the spectrum is unique, so the following anecdotes on my quest for the romantic Holy Grail are based solely on my personal experiences.

I’ve observed that finding romantic love is akin to winning the jackpot at a casino: Lady Luck must deal you a good hand. Meet somebody single and of the same orientation you mesh with and are attracted to. This person must also reciprocate your feelings. Then, one of you must ask the other one out on a date. Hopefully, the date goes well, you both have chemistry, and your potential partner is a good match. If all criteria are met and the stars align, you may find romantic love.

Achieving all these variables could be challenging for anyone, but especially so when you have a learning disability that includes social anxiety and difficulty reading social cues. I’ve pursued the romantic Holy Grail since high school and came close to finding it a few times, but always missed the mark. However, it certainly wasn’t because I’m a “loner”, “antisocial”, or “incapable of forming human bonds”. I’m sick and tired of those labels.

Anyway, back to my story. I was attracted to a few girls in high school, but never worked up the courage to ask them out. Then, during my senior year, a girl asked me out. I was both surprised and elated. We made plans to see The Lord of the Rings together, but she stood me up outside the cinema after I’d bought the tickets. Not wanting to waste my money, I watched the film alone. The next day, she revealed she had a boyfriend and only asked me out to make him jealous following an argument. That really stung.

After my high school graduation, I tried my hand at Toronto’s clubbing scene with a couple of my buddies. I was about 19 or 20 at the time, so I was a bit braver back then. Unfortunately, I didn’t care for the experience, as the nightclubs were too loud, crowded, and crazy, while the drinks were super expensive. Also, the commute home was scary at that time of night, with so many sketchy characters out and about.

Over the years, whenever I met girls I meshed with and was attracted to, they usually already had boyfriends. If they were single, my difficulty reading social cues made it tricky to discern whether my feelings were reciprocated or not. In a few cases, I missed the body language indicating some girls’ mutual attraction, giving them the impression I wasn’t interested. Also, my fear of rejection was another hurdle that prevented me from asking girls out.

Now, there actually were a couple of girls who made their attraction known to me. It seemed like the stars had finally aligned…but it turned out to be a negative and scary experience. I finally had girls asking me out again, yet it was déjà vu, like that one time in high school, even worse. These were nightmare scenarios straight out of Fatal Attraction, minus the adultery, bodily harm, or boiled bunny. Two terrible and terrifying experiences that turned me off the idea of dating for quite awhile.

A few years after escaping from that horror movie, I met a girl at a party whom I worked up the courage to ask out. We went on a few dates, had dinner with my family, and I took her to expensive restaurants and bought her nice gifts. Things were going well…until she asked me to take her to the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE). As I was going to be out of town for a few days, I asked her if we could go when I got back. I never heard from her again. Like in high school, that really stung, and I needed another break from the pursuit of love.

When I finally felt ready to “put myself out there” again, I turned my attention to a free dating site, as I believed doing so would eliminate some of my autistic hurdles. I had some promising written conversations, but my social anxiety prevented me from talking via webcam, which in turn caused these prospects to fizzle out without materializing into dates. Still, I kept at it on the free dating site for a couple of years in the hope that romance might materialize.

Then, around the same time I got assaulted at a Toronto subway station, a girl who was new to the city sent me a message and we began writing back and forth. We meshed well and there seemed to be chemistry and the potential for a relationship. I’m always honest, so I told her upfront of my autism and social anxieties, and that I wasn’t quite ready to meet in person given my recent assault. She was totally fine with all this.

We wrote to each other for a couple of months and eventually went on a fun date exploring TO together. It went well, though I was still suffering PTSD from the assault, so I really wasn’t in the right headspace for dating and never got around to scheduling a second date. She ended up moving back to her province shortly after, though we remain friends.

As of writing, that was the last time I actively pursued the romantic Holy Grail. I’m glad it was a positive experience at a difficult time in my life that led to a new friendship. Despite my failed attempts at finding a girlfriend, I’m neither bitter nor regretful. Rather, I’m at peace and just focusing on being happy with myself, single or not. Also, if the toxicity oozing from 90 Day Fiancé has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes, single is better, hahaha.

I accept the social challenges that come with life on the spectrum and acknowledge I tried my best despite these hurdles. I take inspiration from my autistic brothers and sisters who found the romantic Holy Grail. They inspire me, especially in a world where we’re often told by society that we’re “incapable of love”. Bullshit.

Love must happen naturally. Even the late great Robin Williams’ Genie from Disney’s Aladdin couldn’t grant the wish of having people fall in love with each other. I still believe in true love and that there is indeed a Ms. Right for me somewhere out there (♪ beneath the pale moonlight ♫). After all, true love runs in my family across generations. I figure, I’ll find the romantic Holy Grail when God feels the time is right for me. “Qué será, será”, and such.

So, I hope I dispelled the myth that autistic people aren’t interested in romantic relationships or human companionship. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of wanting or trying on my part. To those of you with that special someone in your life, I wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day. And, to those single folks like me, I wish you a very Happy Tuesday, hahaha. Love, peace, and chicken grease!

The romantic Holy Grail eludes me…for now.

My Autistic Perspective on Social Media

“Everyone fights for position. Everyone wants to be seen and heard.” – The Pigeon Lady, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Though the above quote is from a classic ‘90s flick released long before the birth of social media, it sums up the online experience perfectly. Success on social media may be determined by the number of friends, followers, viewers, likes, comments, and shares a person has. If you seek fortune and fame, you must please the algorithm gods. Lose their favour and you will be swiftly replaced by the next rising star. Everyone fights for position. Everyone wants to be seen and heard.

As someone on the autism spectrum, I have always struggled with social situations. As a kid and teenager, I had a small circle of friends, but lost touch after my high school graduation. I often thought of my old friends and wondered what they were up to. Then, my aunt and teenaged cousin illuminated the possibilities of social media to me. Like a sailor under the hypnotic spell of a mermaid, I was entranced.

Before long, I was in the game. It was marvelous…and weird, with people writing their posts in the third person and constantly offering me lonely brown cows from their virtual farms. After awhile, I began to learn the ins and outs of social media. Flashforward to the present, I still find social media puzzling. The following are my neurodivergent ruminations on the social media craze.

First off, I love being able to communicate from the safety and comfort of my computer or mobile devices. This relieves some of my stress and anxiety, giving me time to formulate my thoughts. I don’t have to worry about awkward situations, misunderstandings, or the embarrassment that comes with face-to-face interactions.

Similarly, I sometimes have difficulty reading social cues, like body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions. Therefore, I find emojis useful as they allow me to better communicate and help me understand others.

It’s also great being able to express support, agreement, solidarity, or humour with the literal press of a button…the “like” and “reaction” buttons. These buttons allow me to show others that I care and value their online presence. Likewise, whenever somebody presses these buttons on any of my posts or photos, it always brightens my day and makes me smile.

It’s 2023, and we still don’t drive flying cars, live in cities in the sky, or wear goofy futuristic clothes. However, Back to the Future Part II, Blade Runner, and The Jetsons did accurately predict one “future” invention: video calling. Video calling is especially beneficial in these pandemic times when people need human contact the most. Even I enjoy video chatting with my family and friends.

Social media can be a great outlet for people’s creativity. We on the spectrum are passionate about our hobbies and interests and love sharing them with others. I feel social media is a fantastic platform for us to come out of our shells and express ourselves. It may be tricky finding the right audience, as our passions may not appeal to everyone. But even if our posts are met with a chorus of chirping crickets rather than likes or reactions, I still feel it’s important to be true to ourselves and speak out. I also believe social media is a good platform for us to raise awareness of the daily challenges we face, like being bullied, getting stereotyped in media, or living with a mostly invisible disability.

While I have highlighted some positive aspects of social media, it’s not always sugar and spice. There is also a seedy underbelly to the medium. A dark space where predators lurk, bully or scam their prey, steal their lifesavings, trick them into sending out nude pics, or lure them down the rabbit hole of misinformation…all within their own homes. Just as Gollum hates and loves the Ring in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, I have a similar love-hate relationship with social media.

For starters, I despise all the insults hurled on social media towards those of us in the autistic or learning-disabled community. People using “autism” or “Asperger’s” as synonyms for “jerk”, “asshole”, or “know-it-all”, as well as offensive slurs like “retard”, “retarded”, “riding the short bus”, or “Assburgers”. People making derogatory jokes about the learning disabled, special education, special needs, or the Special Olympics. Are these people even aware of the pain they are causing? After all, we are not a synonym or a punch line. Slurs against any group are never acceptable. Words cut deep.

Next, why do I get so many bogus requests from impostors masquerading as my friends and family? What causes my friends and family to have their likenesses appropriated by these creeps? If you accidentally accept one of these fraudulent requests, what happens to your personal information? What is the motive of these charlatans? How do you know if a request from somebody you know is legit? What are the social networks doing about this problem?

Similarly, why do I get flooded with requests from random bodacious babes? I don’t have public accounts, I’m no influencer or celebrity, and I’m definitely not Bond or Hef. I’m also no fool. I realize these “requests” are most likely from scammers and catfish, but to what end? How do they find invisible folks? I wonder if the poor girls in these pictures are even aware that creeps have appropriated their likenesses for nefarious purposes? How many others are receiving these weird requests everyday? Again, what are the social networks doing about this problem?

Also, why do the algorithm gods feel the need to bombard us with spam? I don’t want all my devices chiming incessantly with notifications on every random thing that occurs while I’m offline. When I sign out, it means I want a break from social media. Likewise, I would prefer to see posts from people I know rather than spam. It sucks to miss people’s posts because of all the junk.

Then, there is the mystery of why some of my photos, videos, or albums randomly disappear for no reason. I have no clue what happens to these missing uploads from yesteryear. I once reported this issue to tech support and had some of my lost media restored, though they have since crossed over into the ethereal plane once again. I still have some dead email links to people’s lost comments on my vanished posts. What can explain this bizarre phenomenon?

What is worse than seeing your posts cross over into the ethereal plane? Seeing them cross over into a thief’s profile without consent, credit, or even a like on what they stole. I have had quite a few of my photos and posts plagiarized. I take great pride in my work, and it hurts when others download it and pass it off as their own. Having gone through this a few times, I know exactly how Homer felt in the Flaming Moe’s episode of The Simpsons, and it sucks! If you want likes, what is wrong with earning them yourself with your own words, photos, and creativity?

For the record, I would be flattered and willing to allow my posts to be redistributed throughout social media if one first likes them, asks my permission, and/or credits me. Alternatively, one could simply press the “share” button. If you appreciate the art, then show that you also appreciate the artist. I thank and salute those individuals that have done so.

Another unfortunate social media experience is when you accidentally let foxes into your henhouse. I once had a friend who grew bitter and resentful when I couldn’t visit. Despite my apologies, this wolf in sheep’s clothing stripped out of the faux wool, transformed from Jekyll into Hyde, and began, publicly and privately, bullying, insulting, and harassing me on social media. When this person attacked my friends, I finally hit the “delete” button. Still, like a vengeful ghost, this cyberbully continued haunting me with abusive private messages for years. Also, a former co-worker turned out to be a religious fanatic and went after me over political disagreements. Why is it so easy for bullies to target people on social media? What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, I think it’s creepy as hell that social media can eavesdrop on conversations and read minds even when offline and away from all devices. I feel I’m stuck in a horror movie. It’s unnerving to know your walls do in fact have ears and terrifying to ponder how much of our personal information involuntarily winds up online. What is it being used for, and by whom?

Another downside of social media is the angry crowd who are always looking to fight, attack, delete, cancel, or preach to anyone whose views differ from their own. I have seen people from all schools of thought engage in this childish behaviour. I believe people can hold and respectfully share different perspectives while remaining friends. There are plenty of people on social media I like and get along well with despite our different opinions. Debate is healthy and everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Life is too short to bicker. Live and let live. Love, peace, and chicken grease.

There are also the contradictions of the social networks. They will ban photos of artistic nudity while allowing unsavoury characters to spew vitriol to their heart’s content. Is art worse than hate speech?

Now, we come to the perplexing behaviour of people on social media, which just leaves me scratching my head. Why do some friends or relatives delete my friend and follow requests? I find this confusing, and it throws me for a loop.

Another social media oddity are the folks who engage in careless behavior, such as publicly airing their grievances towards others (like Frank Costanza during Festivus) or sharing media of their drunken escapades, and so on. Before posting anything, take a step back and think it over. Is this something that can get you fired or provide ammunition for your adversaries or anyone who may wish you harm?

Movin’ right along (♪ footloose and fancy-free! ♫), why are posts restricted to such a tiny number of characters? Why upload media that self-destructs? Why are there so many Tetris knockoffs (♪ and songs about rainbows ♫)? Why do online celebrities and influencers repeatedly ask you to follow them at the end of their videos?

Then, there are all the weird rituals and bizarre customs. Crowds in wacky outfits dancing wildly to snippets of a song. Fundraisers dumping buckets of ice water over their heads. Machos swallowing everything from cinnamon and soda crackers to ghost peppers and laundry detergent. Pedestrians obliviously following Pokémon anywhere from churches and memorials to railway tracks and cliff edges. People snapping mirror selfies. Daredevils attempting everyday tasks while blindfolded, including driving automobiles. I don’t get it, especially the dangerous stuff. If all this is a sacrifice to the algorithm gods, then the gods must be crazy.

In closing, social media isn’t black and white but shades of grey. Sometimes, I’m tempted to terminate my accounts, but then I would lose contact with all the wonderful people I have reconnected with. It’s a Catch-22. I could get out of this pickle by asking all my old friends, relatives, co-workers, and acquaintances for their contact information, but this proposition is uncomfortable for me. Social media wins. It always wins. Like a sailor, I have been ensnared by the mermaid and pulled below the foamy waves of the sea.

Social media; as alluring as a mermaid and as dangerous as the sea.

(Stratton, Helen, illustrator. The Little Mermaid. By Hans Christian Andersen. Philadelphia: Lippincott, 1899.)