“The power of love is a curious thing. Make a one man weep, make another man sing.” – The Power of Love, Back to the Future
“And can you feel the love tonight? How it’s laid to rest? It’s enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best.” – Can You Feel the Love Tonight, The Lion King
The Holy Grail, the eucharistic cup of Christ that Arthur and his knights scoured the countryside in search of. By extension, the “Holy Grail” could refer to any object or endeavor that is difficult to obtain. Even the pursuit of romantic love. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d dispel a common myth about people on the autism spectrum: that we neither seek nor want romantic relationships or human companionship in general.
While this may be true for some individuals on the spectrum, the same could be said for other people as well. After all, those of us on the spectrum are just as diverse as anybody else. From my high school days to the present, I’ve known plenty of autistic folks who found romantic love. Each person on the spectrum is unique, so the following anecdotes on my quest for the romantic Holy Grail are based solely on my personal experiences.
I’ve observed that finding romantic love is akin to winning the jackpot at a casino: Lady Luck must deal you a good hand. Meet somebody single and of the same orientation you mesh with and are attracted to. This person must also reciprocate your feelings. Then, one of you must ask the other one out on a date. Hopefully, the date goes well, you both have chemistry, and your potential partner is a good match. If all criteria are met and the stars align, you may find romantic love.
Achieving all these variables could be challenging for anyone, but especially so when you have a learning disability that includes social anxiety and difficulty reading social cues. I’ve pursued the romantic Holy Grail since high school and came close to finding it a few times, but always missed the mark. However, it certainly wasn’t because I’m a “loner”, “antisocial”, or “incapable of forming human bonds”. I’m sick and tired of those labels.
Anyway, back to my story. I was attracted to a few girls in high school, but never worked up the courage to ask them out. Then, during my senior year, a girl asked me out. I was both surprised and elated. We made plans to see The Lord of the Rings together, but she stood me up outside the cinema after I’d bought the tickets. Not wanting to waste my money, I watched the film alone. The next day, she revealed she had a boyfriend and only asked me out to make him jealous following an argument. That really stung.
After my high school graduation, I tried my hand at Toronto’s clubbing scene with a couple of my buddies. I was about 19 or 20 at the time, so I was a bit braver back then. Unfortunately, I didn’t care for the experience, as the nightclubs were too loud, crowded, and crazy, while the drinks were super expensive. Also, the commute home was scary at that time of night, with so many sketchy characters out and about.
Over the years, whenever I met girls I meshed with and was attracted to, they usually already had boyfriends. If they were single, my difficulty reading social cues made it tricky to discern whether my feelings were reciprocated or not. In a few cases, I missed the body language indicating some girls’ mutual attraction, giving them the impression I wasn’t interested. Also, my fear of rejection was another hurdle that prevented me from asking girls out.
Now, there actually were a couple of girls who made their attraction known to me. It seemed like the stars had finally aligned…but it turned out to be a negative and scary experience. I finally had girls asking me out again, yet it was déjà vu, like that one time in high school, even worse. These were nightmare scenarios straight out of Fatal Attraction, minus the adultery, bodily harm, or boiled bunny. Two terrible and terrifying experiences that turned me off the idea of dating for quite awhile.
A few years after escaping from that horror movie, I met a girl at a party whom I worked up the courage to ask out. We went on a few dates, had dinner with my family, and I took her to expensive restaurants and bought her nice gifts. Things were going well…until she asked me to take her to the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE). As I was going to be out of town for a few days, I asked her if we could go when I got back. I never heard from her again. Like in high school, that really stung, and I needed another break from the pursuit of love.
When I finally felt ready to “put myself out there” again, I turned my attention to a free dating site, as I believed doing so would eliminate some of my autistic hurdles. I had some promising written conversations, but my social anxiety prevented me from talking via webcam, which in turn caused these prospects to fizzle out without materializing into dates. Still, I kept at it on the free dating site for a couple of years in the hope that romance might materialize.
Then, around the same time I got assaulted at a Toronto subway station, a girl who was new to the city sent me a message and we began writing back and forth. We meshed well and there seemed to be chemistry and the potential for a relationship. I’m always honest, so I told her upfront of my autism and social anxieties, and that I wasn’t quite ready to meet in person given my recent assault. She was totally fine with all this.
We wrote to each other for a couple of months and eventually went on a fun date exploring TO together. It went well, though I was still suffering PTSD from the assault, so I really wasn’t in the right headspace for dating and never got around to scheduling a second date. She ended up moving back to her province shortly after, though we remain friends.
As of writing, that was the last time I actively pursued the romantic Holy Grail. I’m glad it was a positive experience at a difficult time in my life that led to a new friendship. Despite my failed attempts at finding a girlfriend, I’m neither bitter nor regretful. Rather, I’m at peace and just focusing on being happy with myself, single or not. Also, if the toxicity oozing from 90 Day Fiancé has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes, single is better, hahaha.
I accept the social challenges that come with life on the spectrum and acknowledge I tried my best despite these hurdles. I take inspiration from my autistic brothers and sisters who found the romantic Holy Grail. They inspire me, especially in a world where we’re often told by society that we’re “incapable of love”. Bullshit.
Love must happen naturally. Even the late great Robin Williams’ Genie from Disney’s Aladdin couldn’t grant the wish of having people fall in love with each other. I still believe in true love and that there is indeed a Ms. Right for me somewhere out there (♪ beneath the pale moonlight ♫). After all, true love runs in my family across generations. I figure, I’ll find the romantic Holy Grail when God feels the time is right for me. “Qué será, será”, and such.
So, I hope I dispelled the myth that autistic people aren’t interested in romantic relationships or human companionship. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of wanting or trying on my part. To those of you with that special someone in your life, I wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day. And, to those single folks like me, I wish you a very Happy Tuesday, hahaha. Love, peace, and chicken grease!
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The romantic Holy Grail eludes me…for now. |
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