Fearing the Reaper: My Self-Reflection on Death

“Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” – Psalm 23

Some of us are going through hard times due to the increasingly chaotic and turbulent state of the world these past few years. The pandemic, rise in extremism, war in Ukraine, crimewave plaguing my hometown, nonstop mass shootings, inflated cost of living, looming threat of war in Taiwan, unexpected deaths of loved ones, and other bad news have all been taking a toll on our psyche. All this global suffering has affected me and worsened my anxiety.

Thankfully, I’m getting help and avoiding triggers. This brings me to today’s post, as I have been advised that it may be helpful to confront my growing fear of death by facing it head-on in the Ranting Zone. Well, here goes.

It’s impossible to ignore death, as we’ve all lost friends, relatives, or pets at some point in our lives. Death’s personification as the harvester of souls, a fearsome cloaked skeleton brandishing a scythe, is a ghoulishly striking image everybody’s familiar with. Death is a natural part of life and an uncomfortable topic that makes me apprehensive. This wasn’t always the case. When I was a kid, I never thought much about death, as I believed longevity was achievable by simply adopting a healthy lifestyle and avoiding unnecessary risks.

Things changed for me as a young teen in middle school. After surviving bullying and living through 9/11 and SARS, I realized longevity was never guaranteed. It seemed that we could die any moment from factors beyond our control. The world has since grown meaner and uglier, especially after COVID-19.

I’ve come to view life as being as fragile as a carton of eggs at a grocery store and death as being as random as a night at a casino. Not only do we have to worry about external threats to our lives, such as murder, accidents, natural disasters, or war, but also internal ones, as even our own bodies can kill us with terminal illnesses, health conditions, allergies, depression, and so on. Then, there’s life-threatening or life-changing diseases or injuries to worry about. As somebody on the spectrum, the unknown is always terrifying, and there’s no greater unknown than our own mortality or life expectancies.

When I was growing up, it seemed most seniors lived into their eighties or beyond. Now, it feels like more and more people are dying in their sixties or under. I’ve been told this isn’t the case; that most people are still living to advanced ages, and all the premature deaths I constantly hear about are what the news chooses to focus on, as tragedy sells. This may be the case.

Birthdays have never bothered me, as growing older is a sign you’re still alive. After all, those who don’t age are dead. However, I now find birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries bittersweet, as each one is another grain of sand in the hourglass containing the sands of time. This makes me cherish every second I get to spend with the people I love and care about.

Death is a great paradoxical mystery. Nobody knows for sure what awaits us on the other side, yet everybody finds out. This unsettles me, as it feels both eerie and sobering to reflect on it, which makes me shudder. Also, while our deaths are a scary and permanent departure from this world, our individual passings have little consequence on the world at large, aside from those left to mourn us. Once we’re gone, life carries on as it always has, as if we were never even here, like sandcastles on the beach, swept away by the sea.

Not only does death snatch our loved ones away from us, but also all their wisdom, knowledge, stories, recipes, secrets, ideas, skills, and so forth. I always loved sitting in my grandmother’s kitchen and listening intently as she told me stories about her youth during the Great Depression and World War II. I also loved hearing her old family anecdotes and enjoying her delicious meals. These wonderful experiences are now just pleasant memories. Then, there’s the magnitude of lost wisdom, such as the tomes stored in the Great Library of Alexandria, extinct civilizations like the Druids or Aztecs, and so forth. Death steals so much from us.

On the topic of history, I’ve always been fascinated with the Victorian era and 19^th century photography. As such, I often find myself ruminating how every man, woman, and child in those sepia toned images have been gone for generations. I then imagine somebody over a century from now, looking at our 21^st century photos and making the same observation about us. I wonder if anybody back in the 1800s shared these same thoughts.

I was recently told that “death is the fairest thing in this world”, as we all go through it without exception. I respectfully disagree. Sure, if we all lived to 100, I’d say it’s fair. However, I don’t think it’s fair for some to die at 10 while others die at 80. I also don’t think it’s fair that some evil people (who cause nothing but pain, misery, and suffering) die peacefully of old age. I find it equally unfair that some good people, who had the potential to make a positive change in the world, die young. Why?

Another thing I noted is how seldom we make time for the people in our lives, despite our genuine intention to do so. Of course, there are situations that make staying in touch difficult. That’s understandable. However, we are often “too busy” with work, school, chores, parenting, hobbies, etc., and have “no time” to get together with our loved ones. I feel we should at least try to make time in our busy schedules for those we care about, even if it’s a momentary inconvenience. If meeting up in person isn’t feasible, then the occasional phone call or video chat would suffice.

What happens to us after we die is a subject of much debate as well as a hot button issue. I have no intention of preaching my beliefs to anybody. I have friends of all faiths as well as those who are atheist, and I respect all views. I feel none of us should force our beliefs on others, judge them, or insult their views. Always be respectful when discussing any topic, don’t let your beliefs ruin your relationships with others, and follow the philosophy of live and let live. Now, moving on.

While death has been a source of great stress for me lately, I take solace in my spirituality, faith in God, and belief in the afterlife. I see our bodies simply as the vessels that house our souls while on earth. Death is a transition to another stage. I believe all religions and philosophies have important and valuable lessons to teach us. I’ve been advised to research other cultures’ religious and philosophical beliefs regarding death. I look forward to doing so once I feel better.

In closing, this educational trip down the rabbit hole of fear and self-reflection has made me acutely aware of all the amazing things we take for granted and helped me realize how much I truly value the gift of life and the people in it. I really don’t want to live with thoughts of fear, death, and loss on my mind, as I want to enjoy every second to the max. I also have a great support team.

My mother advised me to pray whenever I feel troubled, keep myself busy, and work on my goals, as doing these things will occupy my mind away from negative thoughts. My father advised me to live the way dogs do, happily in the moment, enjoying their bones, tennis balls, and fire hydrants, with no thought of death or fear of the future. Great tips. Well, this exercise has certainly been therapeutic, and I thank everyone for the support and advice. I also thank you for reading, and as always, love, peace, and chicken grease.

Paying respects and reflecting on the great mystery.

Dispelling Autism Myths: My Autistic Quest for the Romantic Holy Grail

“The power of love is a curious thing. Make a one man weep, make another man sing.” – The Power of Love, Back to the Future

“And can you feel the love tonight? How it’s laid to rest? It’s enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best.” – Can You Feel the Love Tonight, The Lion King

The Holy Grail, the eucharistic cup of Christ that Arthur and his knights scoured the countryside in search of. By extension, the “Holy Grail” could refer to any object or endeavor that is difficult to obtain. Even the pursuit of romantic love. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d dispel a common myth about people on the autism spectrum: that we neither seek nor want romantic relationships or human companionship in general.

While this may be true for some individuals on the spectrum, the same could be said for other people as well. After all, those of us on the spectrum are just as diverse as anybody else. From my high school days to the present, I’ve known plenty of autistic folks who found romantic love. Each person on the spectrum is unique, so the following anecdotes on my quest for the romantic Holy Grail are based solely on my personal experiences.

I’ve observed that finding romantic love is akin to winning the jackpot at a casino: Lady Luck must deal you a good hand. Meet somebody single and of the same orientation you mesh with and are attracted to. This person must also reciprocate your feelings. Then, one of you must ask the other one out on a date. Hopefully, the date goes well, you both have chemistry, and your potential partner is a good match. If all criteria are met and the stars align, you may find romantic love.

Achieving all these variables could be challenging for anyone, but especially so when you have a learning disability that includes social anxiety and difficulty reading social cues. I’ve pursued the romantic Holy Grail since high school and came close to finding it a few times, but always missed the mark. However, it certainly wasn’t because I’m a “loner”, “antisocial”, or “incapable of forming human bonds”. I’m sick and tired of those labels.

Anyway, back to my story. I was attracted to a few girls in high school, but never worked up the courage to ask them out. Then, during my senior year, a girl asked me out. I was both surprised and elated. We made plans to see The Lord of the Rings together, but she stood me up outside the cinema after I’d bought the tickets. Not wanting to waste my money, I watched the film alone. The next day, she revealed she had a boyfriend and only asked me out to make him jealous following an argument. That really stung.

After my high school graduation, I tried my hand at Toronto’s clubbing scene with a couple of my buddies. I was about 19 or 20 at the time, so I was a bit braver back then. Unfortunately, I didn’t care for the experience, as the nightclubs were too loud, crowded, and crazy, while the drinks were super expensive. Also, the commute home was scary at that time of night, with so many sketchy characters out and about.

Over the years, whenever I met girls I meshed with and was attracted to, they usually already had boyfriends. If they were single, my difficulty reading social cues made it tricky to discern whether my feelings were reciprocated or not. In a few cases, I missed the body language indicating some girls’ mutual attraction, giving them the impression I wasn’t interested. Also, my fear of rejection was another hurdle that prevented me from asking girls out.

Now, there actually were a couple of girls who made their attraction known to me. It seemed like the stars had finally aligned…but it turned out to be a negative and scary experience. I finally had girls asking me out again, yet it was déjà vu, like that one time in high school, even worse. These were nightmare scenarios straight out of Fatal Attraction, minus the adultery, bodily harm, or boiled bunny. Two terrible and terrifying experiences that turned me off the idea of dating for quite awhile.

A few years after escaping from that horror movie, I met a girl at a party whom I worked up the courage to ask out. We went on a few dates, had dinner with my family, and I took her to expensive restaurants and bought her nice gifts. Things were going well…until she asked me to take her to the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE). As I was going to be out of town for a few days, I asked her if we could go when I got back. I never heard from her again. Like in high school, that really stung, and I needed another break from the pursuit of love.

When I finally felt ready to “put myself out there” again, I turned my attention to a free dating site, as I believed doing so would eliminate some of my autistic hurdles. I had some promising written conversations, but my social anxiety prevented me from talking via webcam, which in turn caused these prospects to fizzle out without materializing into dates. Still, I kept at it on the free dating site for a couple of years in the hope that romance might materialize.

Then, around the same time I got assaulted at a Toronto subway station, a girl who was new to the city sent me a message and we began writing back and forth. We meshed well and there seemed to be chemistry and the potential for a relationship. I’m always honest, so I told her upfront of my autism and social anxieties, and that I wasn’t quite ready to meet in person given my recent assault. She was totally fine with all this.

We wrote to each other for a couple of months and eventually went on a fun date exploring TO together. It went well, though I was still suffering PTSD from the assault, so I really wasn’t in the right headspace for dating and never got around to scheduling a second date. She ended up moving back to her province shortly after, though we remain friends.

As of writing, that was the last time I actively pursued the romantic Holy Grail. I’m glad it was a positive experience at a difficult time in my life that led to a new friendship. Despite my failed attempts at finding a girlfriend, I’m neither bitter nor regretful. Rather, I’m at peace and just focusing on being happy with myself, single or not. Also, if the toxicity oozing from 90 Day Fiancé has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes, single is better, hahaha.

I accept the social challenges that come with life on the spectrum and acknowledge I tried my best despite these hurdles. I take inspiration from my autistic brothers and sisters who found the romantic Holy Grail. They inspire me, especially in a world where we’re often told by society that we’re “incapable of love”. Bullshit.

Love must happen naturally. Even the late great Robin Williams’ Genie from Disney’s Aladdin couldn’t grant the wish of having people fall in love with each other. I still believe in true love and that there is indeed a Ms. Right for me somewhere out there (♪ beneath the pale moonlight ♫). After all, true love runs in my family across generations. I figure, I’ll find the romantic Holy Grail when God feels the time is right for me. “Qué será, será”, and such.

So, I hope I dispelled the myth that autistic people aren’t interested in romantic relationships or human companionship. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of wanting or trying on my part. To those of you with that special someone in your life, I wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day. And, to those single folks like me, I wish you a very Happy Tuesday, hahaha. Love, peace, and chicken grease!

The romantic Holy Grail eludes me…for now.